The Parent Drive Thru

Many parents will make parenting New Year’s resolutions to yell less, stay calmer, etc. Positive Discipline parenting tools can show you “how” to meet some of your parenting goals. It’s not enough to just want to improve. We parents must have a plan on what we will “do” differently.

The tips below will help you set parenting goals that are achievable and use Positive Discipline parenting tools to reach those goals. Read through and see which tips will help you the most in planning for the year.

Tips for Achieving New Year’s Resolutions about Parenting

1. Frame Your Goal in a Positive Action: “Yell less” is a great goal for parents, but it’s better to frame goals in terms of what we “will do” , not what we “won’t do”. If you want to stop  yelling or yell less, what are you going to do instead of yelling? Are you going to step away from the situation and calm down so that you won’t yell? Or perhaps are you going to write down a list of sensible sentences to say to your kids and keep the list on hand to use when you feel like yelling? Or maybe are you going to practice better self care so you won’t feel so stressed?
2. Focus Your Goal on Learning a New Skill: This goes in tandem with #1 above. If you want to improve, you need a new skill. But what skill would help you achieve your goal? I’ll use the yelling example again. If you want to yell less, search to uncover the reasons you are yelling, then decide what skill would help you stop yelling. Are you yelling in the morning a lot because the kids aren’t getting out the door on time? If so, you and your family may benefit from learning a morning routine and creating picture charts for each family member. Are you yelling because your kids often fight with each other? If so, you and your family might want to create a “Wheel of Choice”, a tool that helps kids solve problems on their own.
3. Make It Measurable: How will we know if we achieved a parenting goal? Writing a goal that is measurable and attainable will help us know exactly what we have to do to achieve the goal. Some examples of measurable goals are: -”Spend ’special time’ with each child at least 2 times per month.” – “Walk away before I flip my lid at least once a week.”
4. Plan Action Steps: What steps will you need to take to help you be successful? Action steps are essential to reaching a goal. Again, these action steps need to be measurable too. Examples of action steps: -”Write a time on the calendar that I will spend ’special time’ with each of my children.” -”Sit with my child and together write a list of ’special time’ ideas that we can do together”  – “Watch a video that reminds me of why we all “flip our lids” and make signs to post in every room of the house and the car to remind me to take a ‘parent time out’.”

If you feel like sharing, write your goals and action steps in the comments section below. Sharing your own goals and actions may inspire another parent.

Photo by Sardinelly on StockXChange

Some people associate the word “positive” with thoughts of happiness, contentment and relaxation. Those parents might think that Positive Discipline involves the child (and possibly the parent) always being happy, content and relaxed. Not so.

Although I strive to give my children positive intent and interact in positive ways, “teaching” my kids (and the root word of discipline, disciplus does mean “to teach”) does not mean that it’s all fun and games. Parenting and “teaching my kids” life skills, self-discipline and coping strategies is hard work and on many days, it’s utterly exhausting work.

When I’m setting a limit, I might feel frustrated that I’ve dealt with the same issue several times in the same week. (Kids do test limits and that’s actually a healthy sign), but somewhere inside, I also feel content that I’m setting the limit and teaching new skills.

Setting Limits – Hard Work That’s Worth the Effort

As I have said over a hundred times in the years of teaching parent workshops, “We’ve all carried a kicking, screaming child out of Wal-Mart or Target, right?” I get lots of head nods from parents in class. Although I might be exhausted from carrying my thrashing child out of a store, I feel content about my decision to end the shopping trip or take my child to the car so he or she can calm down and we can resume the trip. I can feel taxed and confident at the same time about my parenting actions.

A Key to Contentment about the Hard Work of Parenting

Some parents argue that when their child misbehaves, screams or throws a tantrum in a store, they can’t be content at all because their parental view is that the child shouldn’t be misbehaving in the first place. Ahhhh, yes, it’s the expectation trap, one that definitely would not lead to contentment at all.

Somehow, many of us view the parenting world as one that relates “good parenting” and “good kids” to consistently good behavior on the kids’ part. So, the belief is that IF we are parenting well and IF our kids are good kids, we won’t have moments such as carrying a thrashing kid out of a store. If we view parenting though this lens, we always equate the product of our kids’ behavior with success.

To parent using the Positive Discipline principles, one must view parenting as a process and teaching as a process. On your child’s part, learning about socially acceptable behavior, respect for others, self-discipline, impulse control, etc. is all a process. This process is a long, arduous one with many baby step lessons along the way. I expect that my child will misbehave and will make countless mistakes learning how to manage friendships, relationships, behavior, etc.

The View from the Positive Discipline Journey – Expectations Reexamined

So I’m not often caught off guard when my kids misbehave because it’s part of life. For sure, I still misbehave and make mistakes as an adult and although I try hard to improve all the time, I know I will make more mistakes in the future. So one of my keys to contentment about my parenting is that I know my own mistakes and my kids’ mistakes are part of the job, part of the incredible parenting journey. Looking at my job through this lens has made worlds of difference in my day to day parenting and in how I view my role as a parent.

Sure, every once in a while, I might fall into the expectation trap when my kids misbehave. I might think my child “should” have learned better by now. But I talk myself away from this thinking so I can deal with the current situation in front of me. I’m better at this talk now because I’ve had it so many times with myself. I know that I learn more each time I deal with a misbehavior issue and my kids learn more too.

I don’t choose Positive Discipline parenting because it’s easy. Some days, I think it’s a tougher choice than the traditional method of doling out punishments and rewards. But I deem it the best for everyone in the long run.

Each “teachable moment” as a parent, however calm or stressful it may feel at the time, shows me more about life, mistakes, grace, improvement, encouragement and love than I ever imagined I could learn. And I’m positive that my children are learning similar lessons too. Positive Discipline is a lot of hard work, but I’m content with the hard work because I see and feel the pay off. And wow, have we learned a lot this year!

My next blog post will highlight some of the Positive Discipline tools for staying firm and setting limits with kids.

Vivek Chugh on Stock X Change

This past week, I taught a new two hour parent workshop called

“Happy Kids!:

Teaching Self-Calming Skills to Children”.

I tweaked one of my time honored Positive Discipline activities for this workshop by narrowing the focus and the parents at the workshop loved it! They wanted to copy down the lists (from the flip chart) that we created in the activity. At that moment, I decided to place the lists here on the blog for two reasons:

1. So the parents wouldn’t have to write down the information at the workshop – they’d be able to find it on the internet at any time and
2. So other parents (like you) could see the great lists we created.

The “Happy Kids!” workshop (about teaching self-calming skills) was sponsored by the Children’s Advocacy department of the Children’s Hospital of GHS and was offered twice this past week, once on Tuesday evening at the YWCA of Greenville, SC and Wednesday morning at the Center for Community Services in Simpsonville, SC. (If you’re interested in offering this workshop at your location for a group of parents, contact Children’s Advocacy at 864-454-2102.) Of course, kids can’t be happy all of the time, but they can be happier after they learn skills to regulate their emotions, regain composure and focus on solutions to problems. Our job is not to make kids happy all the time, but rather to teach kids how to handle life’s disappointments in healthy ways.

So for parents who attended the workshop, below are the “lists”, as promised. (I combined these from both workshops.) For those who were not at the workshop, I’ll explain the lists. First parents brainstormed to create a list of parenting challenges we face surrounding kids’ anger and frustrations. We called this list “Current Parenting Challenges”. Next we brainstormed a list of popular ways that parents try to deal with those challenges. Next parents brainstormed a list of skills and qualities we want children to develop surrounding the kids’ anger and frustration. This list was titled, “Hopes & Dreams”, so this includes our hopes and dreams for the future – all of the things we hope to teach our kids before they leave our homes to live their own lives. Parents, read over the “Hopes & Dreams” list to see if you would add anything new to the list.

After creating the lists, our group did a few activities and had some great discussions about the lists. In the workshop, we explored ways that we parents can teach many of the skills (our hopes & dreams) to our children. Parents left with some great ideas on making changes at home so their kids can start learning the skills. If you’re interested in learning more about how to teach your child the skills on the “Hopes & Dreams” list, e-mail me at KellyPfeiffer@THINKitTHROUGHparenting.com.

Do you know a parent who has a child on the autism spectrum? Is it you? If you’ve spent anytime around a child on the autism spectrum, then you know that parents of children on the spectrum are dealing with unique parenting challenges in addition to the everyday challenges of parenting any child.

A Workshop Especially for Parents of Children Diagnosed with Autism

The Children’s Hospital of the Greenville Hospital System has created a six week workshop especially for parents of children on the autism spectrum. They named the workshop “Playing 5th Base- The First Inning” because parenting a child on the spectrum is often like playing the parenting game from an entirely new position – and a position that we as parents and educators are still learning about.

Why the Workshop is called “Playing 5th Base: The First Inning”

What if you wanted to join a casual game of baseball, but when you arrive, you saw 5 bases on the field instead of 4. (Okay, you baseball fans, I know there are truly only 3 bases and home plate.) This is just one analogy for how parents may feel when they hear that their child has been diagnosed with some form of autism.

“Playing 5th Base – The First Inning” is a workshop for parents and families of children on the spectrum. If a grandparent helps care for a grandchild on the spectrum, they are welcome to enroll too. “Playing 5th Base” offers support for the whole family and parenting tools that address the unique issues of children on the autism spectrum.

I’ll be co-teaching this workshop with a clinical therapist from Developmental Behavioral Pediatrics of the Greenville Hospital System.

Below are the details for the next 6 week session of “Playing 5th Base – The First Inning”.

Playing 5th Base – The First Inning

Discipline and Understanding for Children with ASDs

6-week Parent Enrichment Workshop for Parents of Children

Ages 2-6 yrs diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders

Simpsonville, SC

$20 per person

Thursdays evenings, October 13 – November 17, 2011

10/13/11: 6:00 – 8:30 pm

all other dates 6:15 – 8:30 pm

Presented by Children’s Hospital Autism Program & Children’s Advocacy – Greenville Hospital System

Location: Brookwood Church, 580 Brookwood Point Place, Simpsonville, SC

Call 454-2102 to register

Childcare is available with a minimum 48 hour reservation.Child care reservations can be made by calling 688-8235.

E-mail me at KellyPfeiffer@THINKitTHROUGHparenting.com if you’d like to receive the official flier for the workshop.

Think it Through Parenting now has a facebook page. Parents, professionals, grandparents and others can “like” Think It Through Parenting on facebook. Those who “like” Think It Through Parenting on facebook will begin receiving updates from Think It Through Parenting, including “One Liner Parenting Tips”.

Original image by ilker on StockXchange

The first “One Liner Parenting Tip” from Think It Through Parenting is:

Teach the skill you want your child to develop.

Visit the Think It Through Parenting facebook page and “like” us to receive updates about parent workshops, parent advice, parenting news and one line parenting tips. To see a list of all of the one liner parenting tips, visit the “notes” section of the Think It Through Parenting facebook page.

If you’d rather receive the parenting tips via twitter feed, follow PosDisPARENTING.

Photo by Charles Thompson

Think It Through parenting announces the “Learn & Earn” fundraiser beginning in fall of 2011. The “Learn & Earn” fundraiser is available to schools and non-profit organizations that benefit families in the Greenville, SC area. It’s simple.

1. E-mail Kelly and agree on a time and date to host a one and a half hour Positive Discipline parenting workshop from Think It Through Parenting.
2. Send fliers home with students and advertise the workshop as a fundraiser that asks for a $10 per person donation.
3. Hold the “Learn & Earn” workshop presented by Think It Through Parenting. Parents get Positive Discipline tips in a parent workshop that lasts for an hour and a half and your school or non-profit keeps 100% of the donations.

So, that means if 30 people attend the “Learn & Earn” workshop, the school earns $300

If 40 people attend the “Learn & Earn” workshop, the school earns $400

If 50 people attend the “Learn & Earn” workshop, the school earns $500

Guidelines for holding a Positive Discipline  “Learn & Earn”

1. During the “Learn & Earn”, Think It Through Parenting will distribute information to parents about upcoming parent workshops.
2. Schools and non-profit organizations are limited to one “Learn & Earn” per calendar year.
3. Schools and non-profits provide the space for the “Learn & Earn” (If space is an issue, talk to Kelly for other options)

Positive Discipline tools help children develop social and emotional skills while at the same time addressing behavioral issues. The Positive Discipline philosophy is one that focuses on long term solutions (instead of quick fixes) and stresses the importance of teaching important life skills to children.

E-mail Kelly at KellyPfeiffer@THINKitTHROUGHparenting.com to schedule a Positive Discipline “Learn & Earn” at your school or non-profit (that benefits families) today.

Photo by Cienpies Design

It’s that time of year. Parents all over the country will be asking the question that many kids dread hearing, “Have you done your homework?” Although intellectuals debate the issue as to whether or not homework is worth the effort, homework looks like it’s here to stay for now. Parents, look through the Positive Discipline tips here and choose the ones that would work well for you and your family.

Homework Tips that Use Positive Discipline Tools

1. Create a Homework Station with Your Child: Set up the environment for success. For some kids, much of homework time is spent looking for pencil and paper. Keep homework supplies in one place and keep the area stocked. For on the go families, a homework station can consist of an unused cardboard pizza box filled with paper, pencil, pencil sharpeners and erasers. The pizza box (or other storage container) can be kept in the car. A pizza box works just as well for the home. Inside the home, a drawer, desk top or portable caddy are other possible homework stations.

Now here’s the Positive Discipline part – involve your child in setting up and creating the homework station. Use the Positive Discipline tool of asking instead of telling. Ask “what” and “how” questions. “What things will we need to put in your homework station?”, “What else might you need?”, “How will you let me know when you’re almost out of paper, so we can buy some more?” Let your child physically contribute to setting up the homework station. Have your child put the supplies in the homework station instead of doing it for him or her. If it’s a pizza box, your child can write on the outside or decorate the outside.

2. Create a Homework Routine with Your Child: Use the Positive Discipline tool of routines. Have a family meeting or set up a time for a positive discussion to create a homework routine that works for you and works for your child. Empower your child by letting him or her have input into the routine. Remember that there’s no “right way” to plan a routine and if it works best for your child to do math homework right after school and the rest of his homework after dinner, use that routine. Your own style might wish that your child would get his homework done as soon as he’s home from school so it’s done and out of the way, but this may not be what works best for your child. Knowing one’s strengths and learning styles is a life skill that will help children self-evaluate and reflect. Give your child the opportunity to see what works best for them.

Parents often ask the question, “How do I get my child to do his or her homework?. Parents, try asking yourself a different question:

• “How do I use homework as an opportunity to help my child learn the skills of planning ahead, following through and self-evaluating to determine what works best for him or her?”

3. Ask Instead of Telling or Nagging: Once a homework routine is established, parents can ask questions such as

• “What’s next on your homework routine?”
• “What’s on your schedule for now?
• “What would help you follow through on your plan to complete your homework?”
• “What do you think is getting in the way of you staying on schedule?”

All of the questions above help children develop the skills of planning ahead, self-evaluating and following through.

4. Spend Weekly Special Time with Your Child: Sometimes children dawdle or don’t complete homework as a way of getting attention from a parent. Set up a time that happens every week where you and your child can spend one-on-one uninterrupted time together. Schedule at least 30 minutes and 45 minutes to an hour is even better. Special time can take many forms, but I encourage parents to stay away from using t.v., video games and computers during special time. Here are a few ideas to get you and your child started:

• Play a board game together
• Take a walk together
• Ride bikes together
• Bake cookies or make fruit smoothies (including cleaning up together)

Parents who began spending regular special time are usually amazed at the difference in behavior in their children. Special time is my absolute favorite Positive Discipline parenting tool.

If you live near the Greenville, SC area, consider attending a parent workshop from Think It Through Parenting.

Photo by Kelly Pfeiffer

Get preschoolers off to a great morning by starting the night before. A bedtime routine can help preschoolers get to bed on time and also include steps that will make mornings go smoothly. Check out the ideas below to create a bedtime routine that works for your preschool aged child.

Make A Visual Bedtime Routine Chart – Back to School Extra Tip #1

A bedtime routine will be followed better by both parent and child when there’s a visual guide to show the steps. Preschoolers will use pre-reading skills to follow a visual bedtime routine chart. The web article, Bedtime Picture Routine Chart for Children (written by me) on Suite101 will show you how to create a visual bedtime routine.

Let the Routine Chart Be The Boss – Back to School Extra Tip #2

As Jane Nelsen writes in her books, let the routine be the boss, not you. Instead of pointing and telling your child what’s next, let the child hold or point to the chart and ask your child, “What’s next on your routine chart?”

Include One Activity on the Routine Chart To Prepare for the Morning – Extra Tip #3

A small step at night can make the morning go more smoothly. Perhaps your child can put his or her coat and backpack by the door. Maybe putting out some supplies for breakfast would help make mornings easier at your house. is it for your child to lay out the clothes he or she will wear? Whatever would help at your house, add one activity on your child’s routine chart that will help everyone in the morning.

More to Read about Bedtime Routine Charts

If you can’t get enough, here are a few more Positive Discipline articles about bedtime routine charts for preschoolers.

• Parenting Tips about Bedtime from the book, Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Stephen Glenn & Lynn Lott
• A Visual Bedtime Routine Chart – Positive Discipline Parenting Tool from the Positive Discipline Examiner website
• Positive Discipline Tool Card Routines
• Positive Discipline Free Podcast “Focusing on Solutions #41″ – Resolving Bedtime Problems

I’m excited to read Carol Dweck’s book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. I am waiting for my turn to read one of the Greenville County Library copies.

I’ll learn more after I read the book, but I know that Carol Dweck’s work relates to the Positive Discipline concepts and activities surround “Praise versus Encouragement”.

Watch this short video to learn more about Carol Dweck’s work and how to inspire children to work harder:

Image by Billy Alexander

The “Learn & Earn” program is a way for local preschools and non-profits that benefit families to raise funds by hosting a 1.5 hour Think It Through Parenting workshop. It’s simple. The preschool schedules a workshop dates, invites parents and other adults. Each person who attends the workshop brings a donation of $10 and the school keeps 100% of the money. If 30 people attend, the school earns $300. If 50 people attend, the school earns $500.

August and September “Learn & Earn” Workshops

To kick off the “Learn & Earn” program, Think It Through Parenting, based in Greenville, SC will hold an August and a September workshop. One will be held in the evening and the other in the morning. Donations from both workshops will go to the Positive

Discipline Association, a national non-profit organization dedicated to promoting the principles of Positive Discipline. The dates for these workshops are:

August Learn & Earn

Intro to Positive Discipline

Thursday, August 25: 7:00 – 8:30 pm

at the Mauldin Cultural Center

101, E. Butler Road, Mauldin, SC

$10 Donation at the Door*

RSVP on the Earn & Learn Event Page on Think It Through Parenting’s Facebook

*100% of Donations go to the Positive Discipline Association

September Learn & Earn

Intro to Positive Discipline

Tuesday, September 13: 9:30 – 11:oo am

at the Mauldin Cultural Center

101, E. Butler Road, Mauldin, SC

$10 Donation at the Door*

RSVP on the Earn & Learn Event Page on Think It Through Parenting’s Facebook

*100% of Donations go to the Positive Discipline Association

What Will Parents Learn in the Earn & Learn Events?

Both of the events above will feature the same  presentation, an introduction to the concepts of Positive Discipline, a parent education curriculum (by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott) and a series of books by Jane Nelsen. Parents

Wise Family Centered Parenting

who attend either of these events will learn a few concepts that will help parent children and will learn what the Positive Discipline curriculum is and isn’t.

For example, Positive Discipline doesn’t recommend using reward systems to motivate children. Often people are surprised to hear that because many people associate “rewards” with something “positive”. But the Positive Discipline offers tools that work much better than rewards and rewards systems. The Positive Discipline philosophy focuses on the whole child, especially on social and emotional development. What are children feeling, thinking and deciding about themselves and what to do to either thrive or simply survive in the world? The decisions that a child makes all shape his or her self-concept, a huge factor in how and why children are motivated to do anything.

Come to the Earn & Learn to get more information about how Positive Discipline tools can help your child develop self-confidence, self-discipline, a sense of responsibility and more.