Learn why arguing back is an ineffective parenting tool and what to do so you don’t argue back with children.
Many parents tell me that their children often argue with them. Parents, you are often “getting hooked” into an argument by arguing back.
Many parents mistakenly think they are using a “Positive Discipline tool” when they “reason” and “explain things” to their children. But often what happens instead is an argument.
Telling reasons for our decisions certainly does help children understand cause and effect. On the other hand, I don’t advocate the “because I said so” method either.
Here are some tips when offering “reasons” to our kids.
1. Keep it Simple: Be short and to the point. Parents like to talk and can find themselves droning on and on in explanation. “It’s not safe” is a short, simple answer that works for many decisions we make as parents. Other short explanations: “I don’t have time.”, “This is too last minute for me.”, “I’m not willing to spend money on it.”
2. Say it Once: Parents tell me time and time again that they say the same things over and over again and then wonder, “How many times do I have to tell you . . .?” Stop repeating your answers and reasons. Examples of what to do or say instead: “Asked and answered.”, “What was my answer?”, “I’m not willing to discuss this anymore.”, Simply walk out of the room. (Also don’t get in the habit of repeating the “Asked and answered” phrases either. Say it once. Give a second reply such as, “What was my answer?” and then don’t argue your point.)
3. Stop Convincing Your Child: Your child is not going to agree with your answers on many occasions. It’s okay if your child doesn’t agree. Parents often want their child to “understand” the decision or “agree” with the decision. Most of the time, it’s not gonna happen. That’s why kids “need” parents - to make the important decisions. Your child doesn’t need to “see your side” of the decision. So offer a simple reason if you want or if your child asks, but stop the explaining to your child about why your decision makes sense. If your child is upset because of your decision, they are focused on their emotions; They aren’t interested in being convinced. Even when they ask questions like, “But why?”, they really mean, “But I REALLY WANT TO and I CAN’T BELIVE YOU SAID NO!”
4. Think it Through before Answering: Sometimes parents immediately say “no” as a habit. After parents “think it through“, they decide, “Wow, what my child is asking is really okay.” Then the parent either has to stick with the original answer or go back and change their mind. Either is okay, but it’s simpler to take time to think through the answer before giving it. Also be cautioned that when parents change their minds a lot, kids get the idea that parents are wishy washy and can be swayed to change their mind, which of course invites more arguments from kids. “Give me a minute to think about it,” is a fine answer and so is, “Come back in three minutes and I’ll let you know.”
5. Disengage: Stop engaging in arguments with kids by walking away, walking out of the room, giving a short, clear statement such as, “I’m not willing to talk about this anymore” or even offering a hug (if it would be well received).
6. Give Permission for Disappointment: In some of the role plays in the Positive Discipline parenting classes, the person playing the parent role has a cue card that prompts the “parent” to say, “It’s okay to be disappointed.” In parent fantasy land, parents imagine that it’s possible for kids to accept all answers with dignity, respect and grace. Parents want children to “wipe that look off their face”, “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”, etc. Somewhere along the line, parents got the idea that it is possible for all kids to “take it like a man” when being told “no” about something. When you give an answer that you know your child doesn’t like, you can follow up with a simple statement such as, “It’s okay to be disappointed” or “I know you’re disappointed about that”. We’re all disappointed about things in our lives. In the long run, it’s better “emotional education” to help children label their feelings and allow children to have the feelings. Many parents express fear at this notion because they are afraid that children will be “more emotional” every time parents tell a child “no“. This is one of those situations where I have only ever observed the opposite. Once children are given permission to have feelings, they feel validated and “push their emotions” less onto parents. Children are often also expressing strong emotions to push a guilt or anger button in their parents. When parents actually say “it’s okay to have the feelings”, then there’s no button to be pushed.
If you use one of these tips and experience success either in a change in your feelings or a change in your behavior or your child’s behavior, e-mail me at contact@THINKitTHROUGHparenting.com! Share your success story so others can learn from you.
Have a great week with you kids.
Kelly
